I don’t even know how I missed it or if it was really there that long but yesterday I had another freak out.
Many years ago when we lived in Maryland and I sold real estate there my team switched over to gmail so we could use Chrome and make our realtor lives “easier”. Ha ha. Anyhow, I picked my gmail address and life went on. I still have that account since it’s so interwoven into everything I touch and I’m afraid if I nuke it the last thread of my past will be gone forever and I won’t know what life is any longer. So there it is.
Yesterday, as I do kind of regularly, I logged in to that account so I could “clean things up” a bit. Went and deleted more old files in that drive that will not be needed, backed up certain things and checked to see if anything other than my subscriptions to old things were in that email. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything looked pretty much as I left it. Except my hangouts had a little green notification on the icon. “Funny. I haven’t seen that before.”, I said in my mind in my own surprised voice. I clicked the icon. A “new hangout invite” from my Andrew-baby from August 17, 2016 at 3:23 PM. “Let’s chat on Hangouts!” Ignore or Accept.
How? August of 2016 was literally years ago. Years. How did I miss this? Was it always there? Freak out mode begins and the following is a run on display of what it sounded like:
“Oh my god, Andrew! When did you send me this and why didn’t I ever see it? It wasn’t there. I know it wasn’t there. I’ve been to this exact page a million times since August 2016. I was just here a month ago. Why would I not see the little icon notification? I have to accept. I’m accepting. You’ve asked me to hang out and I’m going to hang out. Of course I am. Oh god. Please. Why?”
This talking went on for at least a minute that felt like a year and my heart shattered some more from the crystal clear realization that he’s gone but was right there on August 17, 2016 at 3:23 PM and I can’t handle this shit anymore.
The tears won’t stop. The uncontrollable screaming won’t stop.
I accept the invitation and proceed to write him a message because that is what we do as parents. I accept the invitation and proceed to write him a message because that is what some of us parents do when one of our kids die and we’re still their parent and we still behave like a parent because we will always be their parent. I accept his invitation to hang out and I write him a message. Because he might read it. Because he needs to know how much I love him. Because I still feel like I failed him even though I know I didn’t. And I write the message because I know that by doing so and letting the tears and screams flow it will help to heal me somehow.
Oh Andrew. How did all of this happen (Oh mama. Live it up because YOLO. Live your life that the fear of death cannot enter your heart, mama.)