I See You. Do You See Me?

I miss you every day, Andrew. Every minute of every day. I miss you in my sleep. I want to hear your voice in real time and I can’t. I am trying to learn to live with that but some days are ugly and I’m not sure if I’m recently sadder or if this is something else altogether. I don’t cry that much anymore and I think to myself “Well, that’s it. I’ve run out of tears” but then suddenly I start crying and when I do it’s a surprise reaction. Like “Oh, tears! There you are” and I’m not sure what that is. I think about you all the time but I don’t talk out loud about you all the time. Nobody wants to hear about anyone else’s children all the time wether they’re dead or alive and I get that. So I’m in this place where I know you’re not physically here with us but I also know you’re always with me and you’re not gone. I desperately want you to be here “experiencing” these moments of life we all cling on to here in the physical world but I know you can’t and never will again so I find myself living between a laugh and a tear.

I know it sounds crazy just the way that we live
Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that’s as good as it can get for us
And there ain’t no reason to stop tryin’ 

~ John Mellencamp ‘Between a laugh and a tear’

I see you in the spaces in between every little thing around me and I wonder if you see me.

I hear your laugh and I miss you calling me and saying “Hey momma…” You wouldn’t remember the time I took you to the strawberry patch at Butler’s when you were about a year old. You sat with Papi and ate strawberries straight from the plant and I can’t stop seeing your sweet strawberry covered face. Your tender eyes would always find mine and there was a sense of relief when you realized I was “there”. The agony of waiting to feel that again with you is maddening some days and recently, I am struggling with that quite a bit.  

Alec’s friend , Andrew (how crazy is that?!), got married yesterday and Alec was in the wedding. Jennifer said that was her first wedding she’d ever been to and I thought “wow….really?!” and then realized you never got to go to one. Because you died when you were just 22 tender years old. How could you have gone to a wedding at that time and now here we are in the place where Alec is going to weddings and you are not and most of the time I don’t give a fuck but then I start crying and that’s how we end up living between a laugh and a tear. I want to run and find you and tell you to just come on home.

I sincerely hope I don’t live to be 95 but I probably will and I’ll be in some memory care somewhere and no one will come visit me except your memory and I can’t figure out what the fuck I did wrong to end up in this fucking place for so damn long. I want to go to the spaces in between things some days and just stay there.  

Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and 22 more years will have passed. I see you, Andrew-Baby. Do you see me?

Love you, my first baby. ~Mom

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